Fall In Love With My Naked Soul, and the Rest Is Yours

It's summer. Just like a large percentage of girls out there, I'd like to lose 10 lbs by the end of summer. Somewhat easy, right? I lost 40 before, so this shouldn't be too hard. But the more and more I thought about it, I couldn't decide if I truly wanted to. Yes, I am currently a little bit "bigger" than I'd like.

But when I was a size 4/6, I was running everyday for 1 hour, not eating very healthy, and I still felt like it wasn't enough. This was my freshman year of college. 

At my lowest weight, which at one time was 125 lbs., I got a decent amount of attention from guys. But I didn't like this. I didn't like that someone only wanted to talk to me because my tiny frame. I didn't want someone to want to get to know me because they had intentions of having sex with me. 

I don't like people because of their bodies, and I don't want someone to like me because of mine. 

Sure, there are guys that I think are cute. But that's not what matters to me. 

I care about the way you treat me. 

You goals and what you're doing to reach them.

The way you treat others. 

Your respect.

Your passions. 

I am Shannon. I have thoughts, feelings, goals, likes, dislikes, fears, and dreams. I want someone who loves my passion, my spirit, my determination, my kindness, and my laugh.

I want to connect with someone on an emotional and spiritual level before a physical level is even introduced.

Physical intimacy is great, I'm sure. But for me, it needs to be with someone I have a deeper connection with. 

I guess I'm okay with being a bit "bigger" because of this. In a world that is so focused on being a size 0, tall, and flawless, being "me" weeds out anyone with wrong intentions.

I have thick thighs, a little bit of a tummy, and wide arms. 

But I sure as hell have a lot more than that, too. 

If you can accept that, and learn to love myself like I have, you'll be just fine. 

It took me 21 years to come to this point.

I love myself. I recognize my faults, celebrate my successes, and realize my outward appearance isn't nearly as beautiful as my heart.

It took me a lot of heartbreak and lessons to come to this, 21 years worth.

I don't have that kind of time or energy to make someone else see my worth. 

You don't like me

I will forever be confused by boy's who decide they "like" a girl after hanging out 1 time. 

Was it the way I politely laughed at your jokes I didn't understand? Or the way I tried not to swear excessively? 

If you see the point I'm trying to make, you'll realize that everyone is the "best" version of themselves the first time they meet someone. I'm not saying I'm a completely different person, but I'm just a more polished and refined version. Think Shannon 2.0. 

Can you really say you like me when you haven't seen every side of me? 

You haven't seen how outspoken and cranky I am when I'm hungry. Or how quiet I get when I'm tired. You've never seen how angry I get when I've been hurt because I'm trying to protect myself. But you've also never seen the way my eyes light up when I talk about something I'm passionate about. And you probably don't understand how excited I get when I find the "perfect" shoes on sale. 

Or maybe you see something completely different in me that I don't see. Or maybe you "like" me for all the wrong reasons. And why are you so open to telling me you like me so soon? Aren't you scared that I might just like you as a friend? 

Maybe you have a basic criteria for a girlfriend. Nice, funny, cute. Okay, that's not very hard to find. But I guess I just know that besides those exterior features, I have a lot to offer that isn't easily detected.

I'm loyal to the end and have a heart that never hardens. I have a deep passion burning in my soul that I put into everything I do. I stick up for the people I care about because everyone needs a crutch. I have a sense of humor that could make even the hardest person crack a smile. 

We all have those inside qualities, inside beauty, that means so much more than whats on the outside. That's what you truly fall in love with. Sure, straight teeth, perfect hair, and a lean body are all things you may "love" about a person, but that isn't what you should base your love around. 

I'm a senior?

As of this afternoon, I'm done with my junior year in college. Seriously? I feel like last week I was moving in at the beginning of August to help run a summer camp. I can't believe this will be the last night I spend in Concord 407. Hands down Junior year was the best year I've experienced at RMU. Everything may not have turned out the way I planned but that's okay, nothing ever really does. I just have to trust that it's the way its meant to be. However, I can't help but wish I was home, and I feel a slight tinge of sadness that things aren't how I envisioned. 

I hope I never forget the memories I made this year. It all happened so fast. I guess years like this are why they say college is the best years of your life. It's weird, the people that you think will be by your side forever are the first to leave. The people I thought couldn't care less about me are the ones that have been there for me the most. I guess different situations bring out different sides in people, some sides you never knew existed. 

It didn't hit me until now how sad I was for the year to be over. My roommates are still here. The guys have left. I haven't seen some of them in a while. That's the thing, sometimes you don't realize the time spent with people may be your last. 

But I'm content knowing I had nights where I looked around at the people near me and wouldn't change a thing in the world. 

This day.

This day has me feeling some type of way...

Have you ever had those days were you feel different but don't know how to explain it. Physically, I feel fine albeit a little tired. Emotionally, I'm okay, but something is off. I'm not sad, but I'm not happy. Am I disappointed? I'm not sure. 

Maybe I feel this way because its gloomy outside. Or maybe I feel this way because I haven't had a pedicure in months. Either way, I'm feeling blue. 

I've had a lot of great things come my way recently. I should be jumping over the moon, screaming how excited I am. But, with all these good things that have happened, I've come to realize something. 

People want to see you do well, but never better than them. 

Amen to that. Now, this is hard for me to grasp. I'm the type of person that would do anything to help someone. However, I don't like when people see this and take advantage of me. My problem is, is that I'm too trusting of people. Just because I wouldn't intentionally hurt someone doesn't mean someone wouldn't do that to me. And trust me, they have. By now I should know to keep my cards close to my chest but I sadly haven't learned that yet. 

In just one year, I'll be ready to graduate with a degree in Communications with a focus in Advertising and a Public Relations minor. Both industries are extremely competitive. From here on out, I need to remember to not be better than the competition, but do it different. I need to remember to be bold, be bright, be me. 

Flying.

I remember a January night where I was crying to my Mom on the phone. I was certain I was never going to get an internship. I didn't feel like I had the skills and knowledge necessary to obtain such a position. Fast forward a few months and I fell into an internship position for this semester, as well have had 3 interviews for summer internships. On top of that, I'll be working for the Pirates this summer. Crazy, right? 

So how did I go from crying and feeling hopeless to achieving more than I ever imagined? 

I did something about it. How was I supposed to know if I didn't try? I've applied to tons of internships. Some I was denied right away, others I haven't heard back from. Yeah, I've been disappointed and discouraged. But, these options right in front of me currently are the best ones for me at this very point. These options were given to me for a reason. Those other positions that didn't follow through, they didn't work for a reason. 

I put everything in fate's hands. I am exactly where I need to be in this very moment. I'm the exact person I am for a reason. I have gained and lost the people in my life for a reason. Everything, every single little thing was meant to happen. Instead of resenting what curve ball has been thrown at me, I've put on my glove and made every attempt to catch that speeding ball. If you know anything about my sporting ability, you know I flat out suck at sports. But, that doesn't mean I have tried my hardest. 

I no longer waste time more time than necessary being upset over things not going how I imagined. Sure, I still feel upset, disappointed, let down, all of that. But give me a day and I'm fine. I take my time to wallow before refocusing. You see, I can only control so much. I can't control other people or circumstances. But I can control how I use it to empower and push me.

 And if people don't want to stick around after that, that's their loss. I have a lot to offer to a variety of people and situations, that's easy to see. I'm driven, compassionate, giving, bright, and creative. And we can't forget that I'm an awesome baker. 

My point is, I am so at peace with myself that I don't need to keep people who only weigh me down. Like a bird, I was meant to fly. I was meant to push harder and harder, to go higher, and faster. Others are content with slow and steady. Not me. Some may be content with a 3.2 GPA but each semester I am advancing well over a 3.6. Others may be content with 1 internship. Not me. I want as many as possible. 

Mediocrity isn't an option. I'm not about to graduate with 100k in debt and work at a sub par Ad agency. Or a job with no connection to my degree. Never. Every positive step I take while still a student is only going to benefit me. 

All I want in life is to be successful. Art has been bursting its way out of my soul from the time I was born. I want to take all that passion and creativity that is flowing through my veins and use it to propel me into something great. I don't know how far that "something" is. It may be Pittsburgh. Maybe it's in London. Hell, I couldn't tell you where it is. But that's what makes it beautiful. I don't know where I'll end up someday. But for now, this bird just has to keep flying till I reach my destination. 

"The Struggle is Part of the Story"

If you're lucky, you have two hands. While those hands can do many things, one of the best things they can be used for is to help. One hand to help yourself, and the other to help others. But what if someone doesn't want help?

 Sadly, I've had to realize that some people just don't want help. They don't want to be saved and frankly, you can't save those that don't want to be saved. It is so frustrating to watch someone drowning when they could save themselves simply by standing up. But often times, standing up is a journey. They'll fall, and trip. Maybe they'll drown again. The fact of the matter is, you can't change people. They have to change themselves. 

This was such a hard concept for me to realize. Watching countless people you love struggle is heartbreaking, and for a while, I thought I could help them reduce their struggles. Unfortunately, I can't shape someone's journey. Whats meant to be will be and maybe this low point in their life is what they need. The struggle is part of the story. 

As much as I wish I could help them, it is simply not possible. They only thing I can do is provide support. Even a silent presence is better than a thousand empty words. I can't make people be what I want them to be or decide what is best for them. I can only decide for myself and love others. I can only hope my love and silent presence will give them wings to fly, roots to come back, and a reason to stay. 

Advice, from me to you.

Hey Blogger, it's been a while. Last time we spoke I was nearing the end of my summer break. Since then, I completed my fall semester with a 3.7 GPA, turned 21, and learned a lot along the way. In the final hours of 2013 I wanted to come back to this blog and just simply write. I've missed writing these past few months but I just simply haven't had the time. 

2013 was a year like any other. I don't think it was any better or worse than the other 21 years of my life. But maybe I just haven't had the proper time to truly reflect on this year compared to the others. Anyhow, here are some ending notes. 

1. Passion is everything. No matter how absurd your passion may be, grab it with both hands, pursue it, and don't let go. 1 person with passion is way better than 40 who are simply interested. 

2. Don't let people push you around, unless its in a moving cart on your 21st birthday...because that is very fun. But in all seriousness, don't let people take advantage of you. 

3. But on that note, we cant control people. There will always be givers and there will always be takers. If giving leaves you feeling empty, you're giving to the wrong people. 

4. Continuing on that, don't let that change the person you are. Keep being the same bright, sweet, beautiful person you are. Be soft. Don't let the world make you hard.

5. Don't be jaded. Happiness is a choice. There's a lot to be sad about, but there's also a lot to be happy about. Being cheerful and being miserable require the same amount of work. 

6. Be responsible. Take care of your own problems and deal with the consequences. Its okay to ask for help, but don't be mad at others for problems you brought upon yourself.

7. Just be open minded. Its 2014, for God's sake. If you're still going to be closed minded then how can you expect to grow as a person? You're only hurting yourself. 

8. Love is about appreciation, not possession. Being able to love someone so much that you let them go because you know you're hurting them is the truest thing I have ever known. It hurts like hell but wanting the best for someone, even if it means that you aren't apart of it, is an amazing concept. 

9. There is nothing romantic or sweet about being a dysfunctional couple. Get your act together and determine if you need someone or you want someone. There is a difference. 

10. There is also a difference between genuinely liking someone and liking the attention they give you. Know that difference and recognize it.

11. You don't need other people to love your choices if you love them. Live your life for you. 

12. Don't spread yourself too thin. Everyone needs a break every once in a while. 

13. Its okay to not know what you want. You're young, you don't have to have everything figured out. 

14. What ever is meant to happen, is going to happen. I believe in fate. Don't get caught up in the could have, should have, would haves. If it should of happened, it would have. 

15. We were born with the ability to change someone's life, don't waste that opportunity. 

16. There's more to life than whats simple, convenient, and available. Sometimes, those are the things that hurt us. 

17. There's nothing wrong with needing time to be by yourself. Don't let others feel bad about that. 

18. Don't let others make you feel bad about anything you choose to do. Its YOUR life, not theirs. 

19. Being pretty is cool but having a pretty heart is better. 

20. Everyone comes, and leaves, your life for a reason. Trust in it, even when you don't understand. 

21. Don't be reckless with someone else's feelings, and don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. 

22. Love yourself, your whole self. Your flaws, accomplishments - everything. Have the courage to own who you are. Perfectly flawed people are still worthy of being loved.

23. Don't be loyal to people who aren't loyal to you. Know when to let go and don't compromise your self respect. 

24. When someone betrays your trust, its not really them. They've always been acting in a way that's true to themselves. Its our perception of them that was betrayed. 

25. If you have to keep wondering where you stand with someone, you better start walking. Trust me on this one, you'll know when its real.

26. Liking/hooking up/dating people in your friend group isn't a good idea. Way too drama, trust me again on this one. 

27. Religion doesn't determine if you're a good person or not, your actions do. 

28. Experience is worth more than a designer purse. Use that money to go travel. See new sights, go learn something.

29. But don't forget to treat yourself. And sure as hell don't wait for a guy to spoil you. 

30. Don't sweat the small stuff. It wont matter in 5 years, let alone 5 hours.

31. Be thankful for what you have. There are people with less, and also people with more. But if you focus on what you don't have, you'll never have enough. 

32. If you want others to respect you, you have to respect yourself. Remember, you are what you settle for. A lack of boundaries creates a lack of respect. 

33. If you start wondering if you deserve better, you do.

34. Go out and have fun. Go on dates, meet new people. Don't mope around about some asshole forever. 

35. But keep in mind, there are a lot of jerks out there. But there are also good guys, too. 

36. However, good guys are like unicorns (I've never seen one.)

37. When you say "yes" to others, make sure you aren't saying "no" to yourself.

38. Gut instincts are usually right. (and by usually, I mean always.)

39. Sometimes, you just gotta make your own mistakes. No matter how much your friends warn you about someone, you gotta experience it for yourself. 

40. Don't say "I told you so." Sometimes, its better to be kind, than it is to be right. 

41. Everyone is going through their own unique challenges and troubles...be kind. 

42. While we have to make choices that benefit our best interest, every choice we make somehow has an effect on others. Try to be courteous. 

43. If you have a personal problem with someone, go tell that person. Don't go tell their roommates, your roommates, your friend group, the mail man. Seriously! Just go talk to them. 

44. Don't forget your true friends for the newest, latest, friend with all the great party hookups. 

45. Don't allow yourself to be an option. NO. YOU ARE A PRIORITY. 

46. It's better to have loved and lost than live with a psycho the rest of your life.

47. Having good roommates makes for an overall happier state of being. Trust me on this one. 

48. Be bold. Wear lipstick. Wear glitter and sequins. Sparkle. Shine.

49. The relationships you make matter more than the money in the bank and the diploma on the wall. 

50. Go on an adventure with your best friends. Those memories will last a lifetime. 

51. Don't be so hard on yourself. And do not let others make you feel guilty for their mistakes. 

52. Eat the damn cupcake, who cares.

53. Being called the nice girl is way better than being called the bitch.

54. Trust people until they give you a reason not to.

55. Never chase after people. What isn't given freely isn't worth having. 

56. Stop doing things for the sake of posting them on social media. Create a life that feels good, not one that looks good with the toaster Instagram filter. 

57. The way people treat you is a reflection of them, not you. This one took me so long to realize, but instantly changed me once I came upon it. 

58. We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions. Remember this. 

59. There's a blessing in every lesson. You may not see it at first, but you will eventually. 

60. Listen to your body and respond accordingly. Take care of yourself!

61. Learn to be your own best friend. At the end of the day, you really can only count on yourself...might as well be okay with being in your own company.

62. Your parents may be on your back but you'll realize that they're the only people who truly ever had your back.

63. What attract's a mans attention doesn't attract his respect and what turns his head won't always turn his heart. 

64. The marks we leave are too often scars. Be kind. Don't hurt people. 

65. Things don't have to be perfect to be good and still worthy. 

66. Good things (like homemade lasagna) take time. They are worth it, trust me. 

67. Missing people is a part of moving on. It doesn't mean you need them back.

68.  Don't waste your time on drama. Its dumb, no one cares, and it is pointless. 

69. Don't feel bad cutting off toxic people. 

70. You can't control if you get hurt. But you can control who hurts you. 

71. Sometimes its better to react with no reaction. 

72. Hurting people who hurt you makes you just like them. Real maturity is when you look at someone who hurt you and try to understand what they are going through. 

73. How others see you means nothing. How you see yourself means everything. 

74. Encourage the ones you love to grow and explore, but give them roots to come back and reasons to stay. 

75. Anything that makes your heart pound and your blood rush is worth doing. 

76. Don't let hate consume your heart. 

77. Sometimes you have to go through hell to become the person you're meant to be. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. 

78. When people show you who they are the first time, believe them. 

79. Actions mean much more than words.

80. It is okay to lose friends. Some people are brought in our lives to show us who we don't want to be.

I think that covers it...

What did you learn this year?